Keep Calm and Clean the Poop

Let me tell you all a little story. It all started with a distant shout.



I kind of went, like, poopy.”

First of all, my daughter turned three recently. She is potty-training. She’s playing in the other room, and she is stark naked.

I am cooking the type of dinner that is…well, involved cooking. There are like multiple pans. Chopping, boiling, frying, stirring all getting down at once. Like they are havin’ a lil dance party and I’m spinning the disco ball up top.

In conclusion, folks, my daughter takes a little bit of a poo poo on the carpet of her toy room, while I am fixing an all-hands-on-deck dinner.

And I’m at home alone, by the way. Only adult in the house. (I forgot to mention it.)

There were spicy beans and hot sauce stinking up the place, before my sweet little child made a stinker of her own. And we have a dog that is all sorts of worked up consequently, because she smells food and the stench of poop she detects is not her own.

Therefore, the only thing successfully cooking at my house tonight is chaos, my friends!

I snap on the thick, rubber gloves. I shoo the dog outside, stir the beans, and push oncoming gags back down my throat. While I frantically search for wet wipes, AND chase down my dodo dropper, AND wash my hands again and again and again, all I can do is chuckle to myself. The infamous scene from the movie Bridesmaids replays in my head and I laugh some more.

"Oh, you're doing it aren't ya? You're really s******g in the street."
“Oh, you’re doing it aren’t ya?”

Motherhood just has its moments. THOSE moments. The what-in-the-holy-hot-mess-just-happened moments. They occur pretty regularly at our house. Please, please, pah-lease tell me you deal with the same kind of thing also!

What can you do, you know? Cry? Pull your hair out? Yell? Hide in the bathroom to simultaneously do all three? I do those things too, from time to time. Don’t get me wrong–my cool isn’t always kept in an airtight container. But today, I laughed. I let it slide. I kept calm and cleaned up the poop.


In a moment of turmoil, I kept my calm.

As a result, I experienced another type of motherhood moment. The hey-I’m-a-mildly-put-together-superhero moment. Most of all, I felt a deep sense of pride in myself.  I saved my small universe and fed the hungry, in addition to fighting off a poop bandit (special thanks to my trusty sidekick, Baking Soda).

And so tonight I raise my (very full wine) glass to you, the Poo Clean Up Crew of America! I assume chaos exists at your house and I believe you kick its butt. Because we are part of a secret squad. You and me. Stopping craziness in its tracks with a sly smirk and a killer top knot is our forte. I know you’re out there, rocking it. You have cabinets stocked full of wet wipes and hand soap. Considering everything, you’re prepared for anything!

I hope you find hilarity in hardship, and the strength to keep it together. I hope you get your moment to feel like the superhero you truly are! And if you feel alone cleaning up your holy hot mess, know that I’m next door, rubber-glove-deep in mine…laughing. 


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